I Miss Me

Self-love, acceptance, and blah blah blah.

Is anyone still on Facebook besides me and my titas?

I somehow joined a Facebook group called “NOT AS TIRED AS A MOMMA BEARRRRRRRRR”. The description? “Tag group for when you see mamma bears acting like their tiredness is superior to your tiredness.”

There are dozens of posts, every day, of moms saying things like, “Try doing everything I did today and don’t feel bad for yourself because I definitely have it worse! Did I mention I’m a mom? And that I’m tired??” Here’s a post from the group.

The top comment says: “omg i’m suddenly not crippled because i don’t have a kid!”

Before becoming a mom, I couldn’t understand how some women made “being a mom their whole personality”. I used to laugh. And now I laugh AND cry because I’ve become that person.

I am the tired momma bear. *shudders*

How on earth did a strong personality like me end up losing herself in motherhood? Am I naive to have thought that I wouldn't change as much as I have? Who am I anymore? Rather, who do I want to be?

Me carrying my 18-pound son on my back a couple of months ago. Boy, was I tired!

For the last year and a half, all I’d thought about was who I wanted my son to turn out to be, making sure I’d do everything to help him get there.

And the year before that, while I was pregnant, I constantly grieved my fading capacity to do anything I loved to do. No ice skating, no long walks in unfamiliar neighbourhoods, no coffee (that was the saddest part, next to no meds whenever I got sick).

I was overflowing with self-pity. Picture your elementary school toilet filled with piles of toilet paper and questionable brown water trickling out over the black toilet seat. That was me lol.

I used to go out a lot with friends. I used to record everything. I loved capturing life and spending long hours video editing.

But I’m different now. And I’m learning to accept that’s okay.

A trip down memory lane - a screenshot of my YouTube channel.

Over the last 3 years, I’ve lost my sense of who Dorothy is. And now that perinatal brain fog is finally lifting, I’m ready to evaluate.

What pieces am I left with? What do I still care about? What’s worth the effort? What fills my cup?

I’ll brain dump as I write, and let my editor in chief cut out the lame stuff so you don’t have to read it (it’s me, I’m my own editor-in-chief).

So who am I now?

I love the taste of espresso and I’m determined to find a decaf roast that’s just as good as the real stuff.

I like feeling strong which is why I now enjoy working out.

I love being surrounded by trees and mountains much more than the city and crowds.

I like to ask questions and be curious, especially about people who think differently from me.

I prefer connecting with people 1-1 and feel uncomfortable in groups of 3 (4 is okay, 5 is weird).

I have some sort of attention deficit, so as much as possible, I’m following my natural pace instead of trying to fight it.

Administrative tasks are my jam because they’re easy productivity wins and great for my ADD workflow.

I’m a recovering people pleaser who’s learning that emotional safety is the most important thing to me in a relationship. I’ve learned to stop pushing myself into people’s lives and lean into the few friendships that feel like a warm cup of coffee on a cold day (or a bucket of ice on a mundane one).

I love helping other people succeed, but I don’t want to be publicly recognized for it. A simple smile or thank you, in private, is enough for me.

I’m very empathetic and compassionate. It’s why I cry so often.

I still enjoy making videos but I hate how time-consuming it is. I also don’t want to exploit my family for marketing success, so I’m learning to find a healthy balance as a content creator.

God is the only sure thing I can hang onto. I love my husband, son, and myself, but hope in what you can see is not real hope. I’m relieved that my faith is grounded in Jesus.

Every day I’m learning who I am and who I want to be. Do I have what it takes to be the “ideal Dorothy”? I’m not sure. It’s hard to tell if my aspirations for myself are attainable or just meant to motivate.

But I’m ready to focus on rebuilding me again. And part of that, I think, is looking back at my reflection in the mirror with gratitude. No criticizing my own body. No rushing to judgements. Just observing and affirming what I’ve been capable of in the past, and looking forward to what’s possible.

I might miss the “old me” but I’m getting closer every day to figuring out who “me” is today.

Also, I can’t pass on the opportunity to reference this classic scene from Rush Hour 3. He’s Mi, I’m Yu.

Thanks for reading 🙂